Again2

Again, first I want to thank you for supporting dad in helping me get my office, and I’m not here to harbor negative feelings, or to start a war, but the more you speak about the issues I brought up, the more you prove my points. “I know you don’t care about what I think” – you have demonstrated that many a time over the years, nevertheless I’m compelled to set the record straight. It is you who directed the course of my life. When dad kicked me out of the house in the dead of night and the dead of winter without any shoes or socks, I sought refuge in your room. And when you thought I was asleep – I just couldn’t sleep because it was too fuckin’ cold – you went and ratted me off to dad by going up to his room, telling him I was downstairs, and then sneaking back into your bed. Even if I wasn’t awake (I was), the evidence couldn’t have been anything else. When he started kicking my head, that set off a trigger of events that changed the course of my life – and yours forever. It was you again who was eager to call the police. And since his hits on my head and arm were attacks, as my wounds were defensive, my stabbing him was also a defensive move on my part, as he grabbed at me, and tried to take way the knife and was only cut once on the hand – this means that it should have been he who needed to be arrested for assault and battery with a deadly weapon. If your intention to wreck me never happened, it’s likely that my life would have taken another course, for better or for worse. What I want to know is, were you fucking my sister before any of that, or afterwards? Just a few years earlier, when I was 10 or 12, it was you, dad and Andy who went directly to where I was behind the locked door in my little fort, under the house area where I was studying the bible (the King James version). You were one who knew how I was getting under there – through the vent. Where after dad chased me around the house three times until I fell over the bricks, and then proceeded to kick the shit out of me with his feet. I may be wrong, but I believe you were the only one who knew I could get down there and what I was doing. I know that it was you who was best at deception, and it was you who invaded my world time and time again. It was you who scratched all of my record players and played the good child against the bad (me and Matt and Cecilia). You were going to school because you directed dad’s rage to others while you were doing more sinister things. All of my hobbies went missing after I went away. Matt burned out the eyes of my tortoise and some of you took my self-adopted cat to the park because dad was allergic to the fur, even though we got him riding a horse, and adopting his brother’s dog – etc. You say that I’m a survivor, but you mock my use of drugs, which helped me survive. You have another of Matt’s welding works in the garage in the loft that’s collecting dust. Anyway, if Matt wanted you to have it, he would have given it to you. You wrote the letter to Redford on behalf of the family, but the family didn’t give a shit on this idea, and besides that, you just talked about the dysfunction. So why was it so important for you to hold on to something that you have no business holding on to? Most of the time you and Matt, as was Matt and I, or you – we didn’t get along very well. So, from the very beginning you have been sabotaging me. And from Andy’s very attitude in recent years, and the attitudes of his kids, it is clear that it was all a lie. But it is your wife – not you – specifically, who I put in the category of the others – to put her dark soul with the others. I’m just pointing out the dysfunctions in more detail than you. It may be that my thoughts are only vastly correct, and not correct 100 %, but even so, one could easily understand why these thoughts swirl around my mind. You talk about the sleepless nights because of your breakup with Andy and his family, but of course you could imagine the word everything turning into nothing – am I right?