Stage 4 – Contempt
Before I begin, I’d like to give a special thanks to my father and brother Mark for their financial and moral support, respectively, in my final bout to find a stable environment. Without my office here in Hungary, which my father gave me the down payment for, and my brother supported, my last ditch efforts thus far (I’m 54 years old now) to find stability would have been muted. And I’m gratefully lucky, that under many circumstances that could have transpired without their interferences, and more ironically without the prior family interferences I speak about herein, chances are my struggled would have been more severe as a result of America’s pathetic votes and path toward communism.
A Family's Deadly Game: A Real Life story of Cain and Able
My dad once said, “Chris thinks that everyone is after him (I’d say, “Not everyone, but...”).” If this is my father’s assessment of simple and harsh facts in my relationships with family, well then what are the differences between irrational paranoia that has little or no merit, and rational self-awareness, and postulating truths of relationships and conditions run amuck which cause me to be taken aback, as if I were recognizing a fourth dimension; here you’ll be able to decide for yourself if you believe others truly and deliberately would like to see my demise. Herein this dissertation, I intend to objurgate my father’s inaccuracy, with all due respect, and I’ll try to do it without obfuscating the facts that my “paranoia” is neither not unwarranted, nor irrational.
This assertation is on going so please pardon grammatical or seemingly incomplete thoughts, as completing thoughts on this topic is emotionally bewildering to express.
In the realm of things, after landing a potentially lucrative job, but becoming nervous about its financial standing, I asked my brothers for financial advice on the matter (between them and their spouses, they had had more than 100 years of experience, compared to my almost 0, + professionals in fields of question) and they purposely misled me; and then after the fact, after the game was over, after making one of the most grievous mistakes of my life in part because of their artful game to deliberately retract “help” (just needed help on a moral and advisory basis) to me because they became jealous as a result of my potential windfall of winnings, I found out that they intentionally misled me and kept vital information from me, stating only amongst themselves that It would be OK if I lost everything because I am a “survivor”.
As a consequence, I found myself alone , depressed, and awaiting for the company I was working for to become more stable, as my stock had already tumbled, losing significant value between the time I asked my brothers about what they thought about its instability, and the time I took to make a decision to move on it myself; I was awaiting for a friend, namely a sibling to show compassion, honor, a desire to care, as I had already shown a desire to show my gratitude monetarily and in other supportive ways, as most any good business person or friend would to others who are conscientious about supporting positive progress to each other, but it never came. I soon thereafter became depressed and alone once again, as I had always been, alone in a family of 13 – they knew it, encouraged it and I ran dry on love and considerations from any cooperation.
Then finally I was left with almost an empty bag, except that in that bag there was also a chess pawn that no one ever saw, including me. That chess pawn turned out to be the milestone that allows me to live to tell this story. Later on, I found out that my siblings – and God only knows how many were involved, and their spouses intentionally conspired against me, in favor of letting me fall as hard and as fast as I would allow myself to do, even though they were aware it would have probably led to my complete demise had I not picked myself up on my own. This is my story and my rebuttal against their behind the scenes attacks and abusive, slanderous and inaccurate unethical and immoral rhetoricals against my well-being; those attacks and those games had been on-going ever since I can remember. This is only a small part of my story.
If my brothers think that it's OK for me to "'lose everything" because you're a 'survivor'" - with a hush, hush whisper of a gossip that encircled my life, but that of which I wasn't aware nor informed; for the second time ever are they able to hold a secret, the first being my other brother’s continual molestation of my daughter, which included death threats if she told - how perturbed should I feel for them to stab at my person with such innuendos of self-interested bigotry? This has yet proven to be the umpteenth game, finalized and halted after the facts, with me barely alive, like a dog in the rain that has been run over by a car. Why am I unwittingly taking advice from such a "family" which calls itself "experts in such matters"?
Who would ever think of sinking their teeth into such preposterous notions, that on one hand they brag about being "experts" and on the other hand they don't give you any needed information, or they deliberately mislead you? This was the same (taking) “sides” game we used to play when we were children; the only difference is, is that I didn’t do anything that could have been even slightly perceived as wrong, except get a “potentially lucrative job” (We as children used to take sides whenever there were conflicts – a witness, or accessory to the lie, punishable by our father’s unruly rule of law). To sum it up, the games are never over. I think they intentionally tried to kill me, or do something that would cause me to do harm to myself at the point of being incapacitated, possibly wanting me to end up like my brother Matt, who committed suicide. Nevertheless, they intentionally tried to do me harm, no matter the reason.
I'd like to say that, that all of this doesn't make me a "survivor"! It makes me a "loser" and a "fool (A fool and his money are soon parted)", which they know - a dangerous proposition indeed, to whittle away at your brother's very existence for your own gameful sport, especially after he has bitten once or twice before! I have no proof, but my take is that it was to gain an extra piece in my father's inheritance, and jealousy, as I had gotten a substantially better job with much more salary and stock options with less experience and education than they, though it was more unstable than I had anticipated, but not so much as they had.
Define "everything" in your life! That could take awhile just to list a few of "everything", then have it taken away. Why is it good for me and not for you?
“Forgiving and forgetting are not one in the same.”
"If you keep your point of reference, you'll never get lost or confused and you'll always find a way out...wait for all sudden and violent motion to stop. “ "The Survivor's Club" - Ben Sherwood
"If you're going through your own ordeal, it doesn't matter where it ranks on some imaginary Richter scale of survival....it's not all relative...if it's happening in your life...if the stakes matter to you...the contrasts are irrelevant...your challenge is just as big a deal as anyone else's." "The Survivor's Club" - -Ben Sherwood
“You intended evil against me, but God turned it into good.” – Joseph (in the Bible)
"Do you not know that those who compete in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win." 1 Corinthians 9:24
The more I listen to "God's word" through Rush, Sarah and Glenn's attributes and wisdoms, the "looking after me" part in God's promises, and the more I hear from the "liberals" on the other side, the more I can give credence to the existence of heaven and hell, good and evil, God and the devil. I'm not convinced, nor do I think I ever will be, but I respect these role models and wonder about the "miracles" and "luck" in my own directions.
To my family: Please don’t pray for me because it’s fake. Rather, I’d like you all to continue holding hands before your meal, and while you’re holding hands, you can each list „everything” in your lives. That of course would include, but is not limited to opportunities, health, relationship statuses, memories, and so on. If you didn’t cheat, you would have starved to death way before you could have finished your list; but let’s continue assuming you did cheat. You can then continue by eliminating one item at a time and contemplate on how you would feel if losing it would be, in fact you could even purposely lose it to make it more real. Well, if you’re still not dead by the time you finish that process because you’re a really big cheater, you can then start to relist those items, or the tremendous paradigm shift and the items within that new realm because it certainly wouldn’t be the same as before; but you can start a new list and then try to explain how you could regain some footing without having the tools to do it. By now, even if you were the biggest cheat in the world, you would have starved to death. And after you die, I can then begin to tell you about a long short story of Rambo, me, and ”The Survivor’s Club”. And you, after you die, can tell me what losing ”everything” means to you. Now Please don't get me wrong, for the most part I don't want you ALL to die, but I would like you to continue the paradox for just a short time longer.
When I was 19, I got out of jail and work hard to rebuild my life and became a janitor. I had to do a considerable amount of negotiating to get the job and then to do it. When I was 23, I started machining; again, it was an entirely new profession so I had to get along, listen, follow instructions and bounce ideas off others, especially with those who knew more. After Reaganomics hit me hard, I started my own landscape business. Although I gardened as a boy, landscaping as a profession without tools, money and or even a home (not to mention other personal legal dealings, hardly caused by my own doings), living in my truck and using a storage rental to store my equipment took a lot of courage, stamina, and racking of the brain, to inch ahead. I learned how to negotiate, and set prices using my own touch and feel senses, and I bounced ideas off vendors and like-minded others to advance my cause and my business became relatively successful, largely by avoiding the family and sticking to my own guns; nevertheless, due to the illegal and out of control legal immigration, after 13 years and not owning my own residence eventually took its toll. Still, I never asked for help from family in any way shape or form.
Then, thanks to my brother who invited himself over to my house to offer to ‘help’, he gave permission to my dad to pay for my schooling, that led me to give up my business and rent another brother ’s living room floor, sleeping on it for two years or so. At my previous home that I had rented for 13 + years, my brother said they were willing to help me buy that house, but if they had done it when I asked (the is the one and only request for help I made, and since I was turned down, I didn’t ask again because begging wasn’t in my nature), the home would have been 120k, as opposed to the more than 300k at the time of the “reconciliatory offer”. My credit cards were already too high however, so I asked, “Why don’t you help me buy a new career”?
As a result, Gene asked what I wanted to do and I said computers and then he wanted to see how good my logical reasoning was so he pulled out a chess board. After I won the match (He had been on the chess team in high school and had received the financial support of my father to study computer technologies for years), and some contemplation, I delved into the computer technology industry as a result of that day and that offer.
In spite of that, I always remained baffled that after 41 years they decided that me not being Christian or Catholic (which they aren’t either) wasn’t sufficient grounds to continue restricting neither family funding nor advice.
At this point in my rhetoric Gene will (and has) mentioned my assault against my father, but refuses to admit the years of physical attacks my father made against me, which usually included the belt buckle, sometimes the strap, boards, rocks, fists, yelling and other psychological and physical tormenting, and finally a broom he cracked over my head while he tried to grab the knife I was holding in self-defense only – Gene doesn’t recognize that I did it in self-defense. And that incident would never have happened if my dad had never kicked me out of the house in the dark, sullen, cold rainy night without even a shirt - and no shoes, where I snuck into my brother Mark’s room after some hours. But then when Mark thought I was asleep, he snuck upstairs and snitched me off after which point he snuck back into bed so that I wouldn’t notice he had just ratted me out. Shortly afterwards, dad came down and started kicking my head. The reason why I knew it was Mark was because I really couldn’t sleep because I still wasn’t properly covered (I remember being very cold) and I only had a pillow – I saw him do it. I just thought he was going to take a leak or something but he went upstairs instead. So I got tired, went upstairs and tried to sneak into my father’s bathroom to get my shoes, but he quickly stood up – it was dark – and I told him that I just needed my shoes, which were in his bathroom, but he chased me outside again. I waited outside alone in the cold, somewhere around midnight or later, on a school night. I remember wondering about school, but closer to my heart was the comfort of clothes – forget the bed. After some time, I snuck back into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and tried once again to peacefully get my shoes – to persuade the old man that it’d be better if he turned them over, but to no avail. My dad went back into the dark after he saw the knife. I thought he was going to comply but he soon came back out with his usual weapon of choice- the belt. Mom came out with a broom. Dad started whipping me but I grabbed the belt and yanked it from him, then setting it aside in my corner. So mom began to hit me with the broom and dad took it away from her and proceeded to beat me with it – he broke it three times on my arm, my arm being barely high enough over my head to protect my head from direct blows, though my head did take a pounding as the broom cracked and broke. He then grabbed for the knife and I gave it to him as he wanted – well, not exactly as he wanted because I gave him the blade end. I remember that after just a few seconds there was blood all over the floor, but I also remember how gleeful Mark was to “help” by calling the police. I remember a father doing similar things to his children and he was facing a long sentence in jail, but this time, I was the one who went away, with a bruising of oval marks covering both of my arms, from top to bottom from the beating. This threw my future into a tailspin, while likely saving other family members from similar abuse, as my and my other brother’s (Matt) behaviors took a larger toll on my father’s desire to force us all into Catholicism than he had originally anticipated. There is no gratitude for my bravery, however, as most of them were too young to understand the differences, nor have I ever expected it, but what comes next, are similar games others have chosen to carry: “The sins of the father are passed down”. As in most “games people play”, these games have never dissolved. My father and I had reconciled years later and I do remember he hugged me once – just once, ever, but my brothers never accepted me as a brother, only as an abused kid who needs more abuse, even though I’m not a child anymore. My mom and dad took me to have dinner once in awhile years later, all the while sending other kids to school, donating to charity, etc. I only needed help in buying the house I was in because although my business was now relatively successful, despite the massive influx of legal and illegal immigration into the Silicon Valley, I was never able to come up with a substantial down payment to buy it, which would have been the biggest key for me to feel secure, as my landlord could have easily sold it from under me or made other plans. Since, however, I accepted my father’s ways and although we never formally apologized, had become my friend after 40 years. However, I knew my siblings were still influencing his decisions and controlling his purse strings – the same “sides-game” we used to play as children, where members would side with others – a join of forces, if you will, to manipulate a situation.
Furthermore, it turns out that some family members never expected me to succeed. It has objectively often seemed to me that I am more intelligent than some of the leaders of the clan (13 children in all), though more independent, which has led to emotional instability – because not following the herd was frowned upon by all; this usually meant no advisory, financial or moral support for the most part. Thus, when I finally began to succeed unexpectedly, I realized that my brother never finished his sentence. What he really meant was that he was going to “help... me go to hell" if I made something of myself in spite of a family’s first-time commitment on my behalf; not this trick exactly, but similar tricks have been done to me a handful of times before. It’s clear that almost as soon as I become relatively stable, they have on numerous occasions crept back into my life, manipulated my behavior, other associates or relationships of mine, have thrown aggressions and insults my way, and have helped create havoc for me to deal with alone, all based of course, on “moral grounds”.
The evidence would hold up in a “non-liberal” court. So why am I writing this? To show the falsehoods my family insinuates and states about me now in open forum, as they do against me in open forum, even though I’m not at family events to argue the lies – though withholding them in secrecy only amongst themselves – a bunch of jealous thugs, or just to get it off my chest, I’m not sure; I think the largest reasons are to sort it all out, to find out about myself and to repudiate their lies against my good name, for any upstanding member that may still care to reason.
So anyway, in Internet technologies I had to learn fast, behave appropriately (most of the time I did), negotiate, support, give and take advice, you know, bounce things off each other; as I have always done in every aspect of my life - learning from elders just the same as from those younger than me, as there have always been and always will be others who know plenty more than I. I wasn’t always the smartest cookie in the jar, but I was diligent, ambitious, etc.
Now I am here in Hungary, learning a new language, and a new profession, teaching, married to a wonderful girl who still speaks minimal English. In order to do this, I must also market myself, continue to hold my head up without family support, though I was able to convince my dad to give me tools (mostly of a financial nature) this time, but not without a 'survivor's' fight of a lifetime with at least one brother (maybe others in the background) - among a brother who’d rather see me dead (and likewise) – and fighting this very same brother who came over to “help (me go to hell)”, then said it was Ok if I “lost everything” , not to mention he and I just blew a sh** load of my dad’s money – or my inheritance – and a sh** load of what could have been my money, depending on how it plays out; and also not to mention that if they’d helped me in the early years, my estimate is that the family, and I, would have gained some hundreds of thousands of dollars in good investments and business ventures, as I’ve shown I could do and would have done, but opportunities were missed due to my inability to raise funds.
As you yourselves have implied with the “survival” statements, I am of sound mind and good business judgment - “survival skills”; nevertheless, this “helping” brother fought hard to keep my father’s help from me again (as he had done throughout most of my life), but I found an ally in another brother (and possibly others in my corner), who I have since forgiven for his ignorance of being in such conversations about ‘me losing everything’ without even telling me (“Forgiving and forgetting are not one in the same”). I won that battle.
So, to make a longer story shorter, I’ve been in business most of my life with ups and downs and survival scenarios and techniques that most of you have never experienced. Being in business means that you must be able to negotiate, to listen (Obama idiot!), and to bounce ideas off each other, but it doesn’t mean you have to take the advice, just listen, and if your advisors are wrong and make honest mistakes, or if you take bad advice, you have no one to blame but yourself.
However, that’s entirely different than your ‘family’ trying to see your demise because you may be on a road that is more lucrative than theirs or than they expected. So, here I am, educating myself without such ruthless and artful saboteurs, as those who call themselves my ‘family’, experts in a field or two or three that could profoundly inhibit or strengthen your directives and position in the game of life. It was like showing me a bud of smoke the size of my arm and not sharing any – na, it was worse, because they wanted to hurt me, regardless whether that meant I’d hurt myself or someone else first, as my history shows would have been a most likely outcome, had it not been for me picking up additional and unexpected (unexpected by my siblings) survivor tools that helped point me in another direction.
Unfortunately, for my brother Matt, who always felt compelled to be close to the family and who showed remarkable talents beyond any other member to date, who was also going to my brother’s church – became more confused, manipulated and divided, found an escape route and was found asphyxiated in his own car some years back. Was he braver or more cowardly, I often ponder? He wasn’t able to understand the simple truth; his annihilation may have been planned by the very same saboteurs.
Why would such people, such a “brotherhood” exist? Would they have given such advice to their sons, daughters, other family members, friends, or behaved in such ways? The answer is a resounding YES and NO, respectively.
This leaves me to only one conclusion; you wanted me out of the picture. Why? Jealousy is for sure, but are there more reasons? The only other reason I can think of is my father’s inheritance. That since there are still 9 –or 10 (If I’m still entitled to anything, 2 have passed away, and another has been told she won’t be included due to father’s excessive help) children in the family who’ll probably be able to share it, maybe you’d like just an extra something from it. I know I’ve been out once or twice before. Did you help in my ouster in those instances too, I wonder? According to my records and the dozens of conspiracies you’ve made against me, my sound conclusion would suggest, “yes”.
To sum it all up, I have been a businessman all of my life and no business or person can survive when it tries to do all of its operations independently. Every successful business needs to be informed and cooperative with customers, vendors, colleagues, employees, governmental agencies, and family (if it has one) and so on and so forth. No entity or person is ever independent and must rely on quality relationships providing quality services and quality information, and if those we rely on are deceitful (and yes you were), ambivalent, unfriendly, disrespectful, unhelpful, wrong, stubborn, and characterize you negatively or in some way other than what is real or what is not true (no matter how many people agree with that person; i.e., ‘How Obama became president’) that business or business person must make decisive decisions to cut those ties and find more appropriate and more adequate partnerships if it wants to survive – and I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember.
Let’s take another example; nobody is independent, not you or me. You don’t make your own clothes, hunt your own food, and drive your own car that you’ve made yourself. Societies are failing because they are unnaturally uncooperative and selfish.
As a result, I will learn the basics of finance and other lacking skills on my own and in doing so, I’ll better be able to recognize advisors and other associations which are more conducive to my health and goals, which you have in essence been able to stagnate to some degree for more than 45 years. So getting back to the “Survivor’s Club”, you should know the involvement necessary to focus on surviving and pardon my complaints and lack of communications thereof with so-called ‘family’ and ‘friends’, as I now have more work to do than I expected or wanted, and less time to “play” with you all.
Perhaps unbelievably to you, but I am now a business advisor, relationship and communications counselor to many students. I’m not just an English teacher, but a ‘Survivor’ Counselor in my own right, and dispute it or not, but by your very recognitions, I am qualified; as anyone who knows how to survive, or who would have known a survivor, at least in the survivor’s category that you’ve put me in, would need to be an excellent communicator, a quick study, and a very strong improviser to get a proper outcome; well, if he’d like to try to stay in-line with socially accepted behavior, ethics, with good moral character, anyway.
Or, I could be an extra great lover and sleep my way to the top, since all of you have said several times that “I’m not educated”, which isn’t true, and would be quite a beguiling oxymoron in and of itself - which would in itself be contradictory to being able to survive. Or, did you want me to do a Rambo, and rob or hurt people for basic needs, or live homeless – all of which I’ve also done? Which game? Which game did you intend for me to play, exactly?
There’s an old adage which says, “If life gives you lemons (many family members are lemon trees), make lemonade”, which I am doing, though not comfortably. As my struggles continue and to concentrate in my new environment and with my thoughts of you, it isn’t great or easy. Do know that under some phenomenon that may transpire, you may see me again, but I can guarantee some of you it won’t be a pleasant experience.
Am I blaming anyone but myself? No. This is life. I cannot blame anyone for bearing me to my family or country, nor my ignorance for how I think the world should operate but doesn’t. However, ignorant me, and ignorant you - "Ignorance is bliss", after 45 years, I have finally identified and isolated the problems, knowing that my siblings have little intention to see good will upon my soul; consequently, I've cut almost all of you out of my life - the problems being the family and the personality flaws that ensue games that are inherently unhealthy and have successfully stunted my directives. I wasn't clever enough to see the multitudes of the webs of all those layers of games and avoid them earlier or strong enough to exit out of the games, most of which I could only have had a slight inclination one was forming – take your pick. I see them now and am doing what I can do, almost alone, as usual, and in the best way I can to move in a more beneficial direction.
My new adventures in Hungary would never have been, if the events above had never occurred. So “feel what is now, study and do better - without interference”, could be a good motto to take up at this point in my life.
Let’s take Jeanine’s example, for example: Why would she talk about me in secret, something which most of us know as “talking about me behind my back”, and tell her “financial-expert-husband, and my brother” not to give me any advice at all, although it would have been virtually no sweat off his back, and although telling me to my face would have provided me with some bearings? And why would bro. Gene tell Mark, who showed at least minimal concern (not to me, of course), say behind my back that I’m a “survivor”, it’s OK for me to “lose everything”? And why didn’t I know about such - YES, let’s say it together, “conspiracies” until after I sold my home and gave away all of my belongings? Which friends of yours would think so “highly” of you? You learned this in Bible studies, did you? Why would I invite Gene and his family over for dinner to my new home to make amends and show my appreciation for getting me into what could have been a potentially lucrative career, only to have him cancel at the very last minute? To say the least, these acts in all of their forms were unfriendly, hostile, inappropriate, uncalled for and something every good parent probably teaches their children not to do.
You’re willing to give me career advice in computers, teaching, advice on how to live and where to live, who to see and who not to see, and so much so that you force my hand even though I’m not aware a hand has been played. Then if I take it and succeed, you complain that I’ve made too much of it, and if I don’t take it you bash me – but almost entirely behind my back. You’re all “Cafeteria Christians” who pick and choose your moral wars without recognizable principles, and which are specifically geared to drive nails into my coffin.
Let’s take another example. I recently asked my brother about Federal Reserve bonds because this Hungarian administration is selling them. Now, I don’t like this administration at all for many reasons, but I don’t really understand the effects of selling bonds, and it was done during World War II in the U.S. to earn money quickly. I wanted some insight into its purposes, effects, and such. I certainly don’t have any money to invest, so there is no impact on me negatively or positively. Being a teacher, I like to be as informed as possible. So, I inquired to an ‘expert’ brother about the issue – this is after I’ve been in this country for 8 years already. I didn’t receive an answer whatsoever. Well, OK, perhaps he didn’t get it so I sent it over the course of two or three weeks using different Internet protocols. No answer. Then some weeks later, I receive advice about how to better learn the language after I mentioned that I was at about an intermediate level. Interesting. I’ve been here more than 8 years and learning a language, contrary to his belief, isn’t harder than learning anything else, even at my age, though time, money and resources are necessary – all of which I lack. And learning an entirely new career path at my age is more difficult because these things are lacking, plus baggage, a constantly significant amount of energy taken to maintain my anxiety, depression, and loneliness, though I am “hanging in there”. No one can predict the future, but I’ll do my best and use my head in a more mature, objective, perspective way.
The oldest and youngest members of this “family” tried to squeeze the three of us in the middle out into oblivion. Matt killed himself - and me, my younger sister… my thoughts, our thoughts... our comforts with life…. We’re not dead, but it’s been more difficult than necessary. First you bash our successes, then you provide us with advice (most of it intentionally false), and you complain and complain until we give it back.
“You know what I think? I’m going to tell you anyway”, Andy says with all the children climbing over him in playful fun and at the very moment I’m going to the airport, my house emptied, my desperation amassed, “I think you shouldn’t go”. Why would you say that if you really believed I was a survivor? Isn’t it in the Bible that says God will never challenge you beyond your abilities, and that he’ll always give you a way out? Can it be that you yourselves don’t have faith in your own notions?
This reminds me of the story in the Bible (Mathew 26:34,74-75) - "Jesus said to him (Peter), "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a cock crows, you shall deny Me three times . . . “ Certainly this phrase is relevant. I’m not just talking to Andy here, but let’s use him as an example. You have secret conversations about me, about and to my girlfriend, about smoking reefer, about what movies to watch on Mark’s t.v., to whole hardily justify to me that me trying a new lease on life in Europe is somehow different than all of your expeditions to even more poverty stricken regions of the world, knowing full well that under such pretentious guidance, I was left with an empty bag, empty dreams, an empty pocket and an empty heart if I didn’t do something so drastic, which proved to be a clever move on my part, though which would have been much more astute if I had never listened or asked anything or any advice from any of you after landing the “good job” in the first place, and just followed my own gut instincts – then again, I may have ended up somewhere else worse, or better if Gene had never entered my life – it was all by accident, by chance that I have something now, which is more than you wished for me. Nevertheless, you must have known about the “cover ups” and “secrets”, thus making you a participant by default. Then I could also assume that so did Esperanza, being your wife and Jeanine’s best friend. Then, if you all told one other person . . . Certainly you could understand how foolish this all would make me feel… all eyes staring at me with smirks or bewilderment… I think your denials of God, the truth and of decency go beyond three times, go beyond the pale, and the cock hasn’t stopped crowing for you to hear God’s alarm. How could that ever have been a healthy experience for me?
From Chris to Andy: You know what I think? I’m going to tell you anyway. I don’t think you respect me. I think I shouldn’t be taking advice from you. Is this what Matt meant when he said something like “Everything seems to be a lie?”
The year, 2002.
I think firing you as my eldest brother for participating in such perversions is in my best interest. You knew about Greg, you talked to my girlfriend behind my back, you participate in such rhetoricals against my person, and more – how dare you to believe in such critical terms against my life, and then propose that I should heed to follow your advice on other matters after my house is emptied, my dreams are shattered, my anxiety, depression… Why would you preclude my drive with such disregard when my su***dal and mur***ous thoughts were already abound, which you knew? Why would you attempt to preclude my last fight for myself, by myself, as I have always done, when certainly this “team” was against me ever since my potentials seemed greater than – or even mildly more successful – than you all had hoped, and it was your team which said “He’s a survivor”? You want to restrict the wild, capable “survivor” from “surviving”? Why? You want to corner the “Scorpion” and provide him with as few options as possible? Why? Isn’t that a bit dangerous? A bit naïve? Or was it naïve? A lot runs through my mind when I think about all of this? Accident? Not accident? I can’t imagine any of you would hold a friendship or brotherhood dear with such hypocritical disregard for honesty, trust, and communal assurances!
What I’ve come to learn after doing computers, studying finance, teaching, and learning one of the hardest languages on the globe - all of which many of you claim to be experts in, is that none of you are more special or brighter than me, no matter how many drugs or how much weed I’ve consumed. Funny thought, isn’t it?
First you encourage me to play “survivor” – and in many ways, force me into “survivor-mode” without me even realizing it before I’m in the role, then you tell me how to survive. “So are you all experts too?” I must ask, which wouldn’t make any sense if you cared about me in the smallest degree because everyone knows, especially those who are experts in surviving, that living a lively, joyful life would be more conducive and more comfortable to any mammal’s well-being, rather than a desolate and morbid position in surviving hardships.
I could list many such images and load them with many questions that just don’t sit right with me nor would they make sense to most others – but that would only lead to more questions and more time – an endless cycle of bewilderment – kind of like a Glenn Beck thing. In one series he says, “...Imagine a world where people lie to you straight in the eye…. There used to be shame associated with it….. Have you no shame?”
We used to call your methodologies “dirty tricks”. You as a group have continued several times to play games one could group together into a bigger game called “Tragedy” and I’m not the only one you’ve played it with and it’s not a game I’m really into. Why would you be so against my character, which is far removed from what you purport – something I’d do only to people I really, really didn’t like very much? If you’d like to learn more about “games people play”, I suggest you read a really good book called “Games People Play” by Dr. Berne, and before you criticize the book, Andy (By the way, did you ever get a chance to apologize to your congregation for saying the author committed suicide, when in fact he didn’t?), you should read it.
In essence, in all of its forms, successful communication involves open, two way channels, unless of course it is construed of a game or games. A one way street is usually disadvantageous to the sender, who is giving away all of his cards and information, succumbing to games (and the sender may of course be an intentional or unintentional participant), unless of course we’re talking about broadband or broadcast advertisements (which isn’t this case). Then there is the third case, which is no communication at all, and which stops all forms of games, so long as the multitudes of games already played don’t affect the recipient’s behavior in the least, which of course is in and of itself a difficult thing to overcome even for the most ardent survivors.
This third form also has advantages, such as not being raked over the coals any more, and disadvantages, such as isolation from the longing for “family” which never was and never will be, and an endless search for others to fill the voids, if it’s still necessary, which would probably lead to more games and more detriment, in all likelihood.
And lastly, why would Jeanine, of all people, a lady who came from Nicaragua, one of the poorest places on the globe and who has seen poverty first hand probably not like any of us have ever seen, accept and believe it to be OK for me to stoop so low (in literal terms)? Oh, but wait, she belonged to the families of the oppressors, and not the oppressed, so could it be she never saw the sorrow and anguish, or that she was completely so oblivious to it? These are, of course, only rhetorical questions, as I have already come to my own conclusions and you wouldn’t be giving me a straight answer anytime soon in all probability, as you yourselves have already admitted.
I ponder on these thoughts often, it breaks my heart, depresses me, but yet without your most callous interruptions into my life, I wouldn’t be here, which was a chess move that none of you ever saw, not even me, and a place that has more comfort than there. To be honest, I hope that the aforementioned phenomenon does transpire.... But in all likelihood, it won’t happen that way and you’ll all die … as peacefully and naturally as you perceive yourselves to perish. I must ask you once more, however, you’ve been going to church for how long, studying Christianity for how long and so, how long ago had it happened that you learned this behavior? You learned this in Bible study, did you?
In this story, "Intention is everything".
By the way, how was mom’s funeral, since I was the only one who didn’t come (nor was I invited)? Did you all behave and mourn for the loss of your mother, or did you complain about your loss of the game against me? The events that transpired that day and your behaviors are most shameful and once again inappropriate, and what I call just another subdivision of your “Tragedy” apparatus that I call, “fake-real”. Fake in the sense that you believe what you are saying about me, otherwise you would have never tempted to provoke such fallacies upon my well-being with such contempt and disregard. Real in the sense that you should believe the lines which you pretend to cause you nervousness. Which road did you mourn, the loss of your mother or the loss of your game against me? - Well, it wasn’t a full win, at least (And even the “at least” can be another game I can only blame myself for, or can I, if I’m not clear on even being in a game – is it also my fault for not having 20/20?).
Please tell dad I love him but you’ve made it impossibly difficult for me to be there at this time, or at anytime. It would be inappropriate on my part, and it’s unlikely I’ll see him in the future due to your conditions, and my continued financial struggles. “Losing everything” and “surviving”, I’d like to believe and say is more than you know or had anticipated, but unfortunately, I don’t think it to be so.
Notes: I left the family when I was 15 ½ and moved in with a sister and then a brother, respectively, at the age of 19, after leaving a halfway house, after spending 14 months in jail for armed robbery (2 times over). I moved back to my parents when I was 23 or 24 for a couple of years, at which time my brother had sex with my daughter for something like two years, despite the fact I had spent over 10k fighting her mother for custody – just at that time, and that my history showed a violent anger that could have been unleashed had I known. The conflicts helped cause me to move into my car and my wife (not my daughter’s mom) and son to leave me (my marriage was never recognized by my father because it wasn't performed in a Catholic church). I won all of the court battles involving my daughter but in the end, because things got so bad, I relinquished custody, where thereafter my daughter was kidnapped (for the second time) for more than 9 years, and where she was molested again by the other side of her family; at that same time, I never found out about my brother’s perversions for more than 9 years later, though members of my family knew about them shortly after the facts, and even though he molested or fondled a handful of other girls under 10 years old. Though, without your most callous interruptions into her life and mine at that time, she wouldn’t have her family and current successes, ironically. I stayed away from the family the entire time and started my landscape business while living in my truck. At that time I also earned a black belt in tae kwon do and a green belt in kick boxing. Years later, when I was more than 40, I moved to my brother’s floor. I stayed there for about two years while studying computer engineering. I earned 10 computer engineering certifications during the course of 4 years. The Internet bubble collapsed – I didn’t even realize I was in one. I lost my job and couldn’t find another because apparently my skills and certifications still weren’t strong enough, and out of desperation I began looking for any kind of job. It’s clear that my bond with my brother whose living room floor I rented never took hold, though we still have some kind of relationship. But getting back to my brother who said that it’s OK for me to “lose everything” and that “I’m a survivor”. I never ever hung out with him or did anything with him – ever, except for working for him for a couple weeks and some expensive training he gave me and my brother in-law for a very brief stint. Essentially, I never grew up with, associated with, or dealt with this family in a significant way after the age of 15, so therefore judging me and my behavior in a way they wouldn’t have done for anyone else, and withholding conversations be had in secret and telling each other things about my personality in ways that are far removed from my core values can only be constituted as a game of “Tragedy” - a dirty, sick, evil one.
The jobs I’ve had in my life, starting at age 16: Busboy (1 year), English and Math teacher (in jail – 9 months), janitor/school custodian (4.5 years), machinist (4.5 years), my own proprietary business as a gardener turned landscape contractor (16 years), Internet/computer technician/engineer (4 years – and I earned 10 computer certifications in Novell Network Engineering, Microsoft Network Engineering, Cisco Engineering, and Checkpoint Security), a machine operator (1.5 months), Kirby vacuum cleaner sales door to door (4 months), car salesman (4 months), my own proprietary business as an English teacher (from 2002 – earned a TESL, Teaching English as a Second Language Certification) and is on-going, which includes; teaching English as a foreign language, communications, body language, presentation skills, specializing in survival in the workforce, providing psychological counseling, play acting for children, business, basic finance and economics, science, history, politics and more…. Go to www.mediaaccess.hu and find its main contexts in English and Hungarian. Although my profits aren’t anything to speak about, I’ve thus far been able to make my mortgage payments, though it’s not easy and has become harder due to the decline of the Hungarian forint and economy.
Jailed at 15 for uncontrollable behavior for slamming my hand through some small windows (3 weeks), an assault and battery with a deadly weapon at the age of 15.5, slicing my father’s hand, costing me 2 weeks in a mental institution and 3 weeks in juvenile hall – both under suicide watch, then after a few months living at my aunt and uncle’s as foster parents, I told my probation officer I wanted a new foster home (didn’t like my aunt and uncle’s situation and I was dropping acid, smoking weed, drinking, taking other amphetamines and anything else that came on the drug market weekly – for about ½ year), which cost me 3 more months in juvenile hall before moving to a more official foster home. Still abused but still taking and selling drugs, I moved into my car after my natural parents and some family took me to dinner after my graduation ceremony. Moved up to armed robbery at age 19, jailed for more than a year in the California Youth Authority forest fire fighter program, but not more, thanks in part to the fact I was best friends with the Sheriff of the county’s son, and I had helped his father campaign earlier. At age 29 jailed for 2 weeks, arrested while living in my truck (apparently my mom and sister wrote assault reports on me and I was completely unaware of it – incidents that occurred more than 2 months before my arrest and the charges were not accurate. The incidents happened shortly after I relinquished custody of my daughter, not knowing that my brother was f****** her all the while). This information is relevant to my arguments above; who would corner such a person to try to get him to react or strike back? I am a Scorpion by birth and by nature. Wouldn’t that be like teasing a dog you know bites or is capable of worse? I started my landscape business at that time, while living in my truck, and was on my way but had lost some customers due to that incarceration.
After another count, no fewer than 6 persons in this family agreed, all behind my back and without me, that it would be OK if I lost everything; it doesn’t matter so much as to how obvious it should have been to me. Yes, it was my mistake, but why am I seeking love and counsel from these goons? There’s more, much more, but let’s leave this argument where it lie. Is this argument strong enough to suggest that my “paranoia” is warranted? That my need - not my desire – be to remain isolated and is warranted, so I can sort things through myself, to pick my own pieces up, to ask – and now even beg when necessary – for financial help, but no other kind of help, in a way that I deem fit and responsible for myself only – not for my children or others, as I can only now look after myself, whether right or wrong, that my own opinions, feelings, and choices are best, whereas I’d be less likely to confuse my own interests than they, which they intend to confuse me? Is my argument strong enough to suggest they intend to confuse me?
So, if you keep secrets from me because you think I’m irrational, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to absorb the information you would tell me without accusing you of something evil, but then you tell others behind my back that I’m a survivor and that it’d be Ok if I lose everything; but then being a survivor in modern days, and in ethical and moral terms would necessarily mean that I would be an excellent communicator, quick witted, an excellent listener to others and to my own instincts (the last bit is where I went wrong), and in the utmost terms, have an excellent head on his shoulders to be able to lose everything, then to regain it back – or like I said before – an entirely new paradigm without stealing or being hurtful to others, honest, respectful, respected and certainly open and well liked to the highest degree to be able to absorb and radiate all forms of communication with all kinds of people in order to collaborate my new successes, but then again, you expect me to do it alone. So this would mean what exactly? It would mean either I was completely ”full of it” in the most vile sense, or that I was completely ”full of it” in the most positive and admiral sense and that you were feeding yourselves a poison as bizarre as anything, because by your very admissions, I am the opposite of what you had been discussing amongst yourselves, but several of you are too dense or too nonchalant inside to understand this piece of the oxymoron, or too evil or too irrational yourselves. Hmm. Ok, let’s move on to the next phase, as I don’t know how else I can rationally calculate this puzzle.
Summarizing my rhetoricals, we can conclude that Jeanine and Gene knowingly contradicted themselves. Let’s use a simple equation to example it: debt = slavery (the more debt you owe, the more you have to work to repay that debt, thus making you a slave to the debtor – dumbass Obama ). On one hand, I was told that Jeanine said (in secret – It’s very important to remember that these games were played behind my back, in other words, a blatant rejection of respect for me) that I would accuse them of something, though I’m not sure of what that something would have been, if Mark gave me advice, and that I wouldn’t use the advice ”properly”. On the other hand, Gene (remember, the person who allowed dad to ”lend” me money, and who allowed me to ”borrow” money) said that I was a ”survivor”, so If I lost ”everything”, it would be Ok for me (Of course, not for him – and again, this was a ”secret” conversation amongst several members of the ”clan”, but not revealed to me until I actually did almost lose everything). Since they both (or all) often claim to be so clever, I could only assume they (all) knew this paradox. After losing everything, but borrowing so much, the rest of my life would be spent enslaved to my debtors; and paying off my debtors in the best way I knew how, was just done a few short years ago in order to bail out of my landscaping business.
So if I were a beacon of the ”survivor’s code”, this would necessarily mean that I was a great radiant of light absorbing energy of greatness and good will, along with being a radiant of positive vibrations, relationships, karma, and communication, much like Gandi or Jesus, or Buda, or Darth Vader, you know, the kind of people who can live on bread and water for days, and who can attract scores of peoples from here and there, and afar to follow them like sheep; my sheep from whom I could find counsel and resources, and to whom I could counsel and provide resources to out of thin air (because ”nobody works for free”, and since I wouldn’t yet have anything to offer anybody, certainly I’d have to provide something out of nothing), sharing loads of information and strategies to overcome my predicament. You know, I could call myself the quintessence of all that is righteous, without the desire to enjoy relaxation, and the freedom to spend my free time (which I wouldn’t have regardless) with personal interests that all of my siblings have been doing all their lives.
With all due respect, if I were this kind, why would these people who claimed to be closest to me feel so threatened by me? Certainly, in order to survive in a world reliant on a value-driven society that indeed requres great communication skills under such pressures that one would be under to regain a new paradigm after losing ”everything” (lost items including: my new- already old career, my dad’s investment in me, my investments in myself, my home, my friends, my belongings, my country), adequate clothing, and a healthy look, at minimum, would it not be wise for me to heed the warnings of the story of Jesus, Judas Iscariot and the Last Supper? Wouldn’t it be wise for me to undertake a wiser path and to leave this proposterous paradox – and the people who helped me create it - behind?
Well, let me just give another crack at it if you’re still not convinced.
Have I made a solid argument yet, or should I continue? Because there’s more...
Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and Silvester Stallone are my favorite role models.
The Now: Enlightenment - Coming Soon! But while I write it, I would like to leave you with something my father sent me. I liked it so much that I translated it (Well, to be honest, I had it translated. :)).
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Egy este egy öreg cseroki arról a csatáról mesélt az unokájának, amely az
emberekben zajlik. Azt mondta, „Fiam, mindannyiunkban csata dúl két farkas
Egyikük a Gonosz. Ez a harag, irigység, féltékenység, bánat, sajnálat,
kapzsiság, gőgösség, önsajnálat, bűn, megsértődés,
kisebbrendűség, hazudozás, hamis büszkeség, felsőbbrendűség és az ego.
A másik a Jó. Ez az öröm, béke, szeretet, remény, nyugalom, szerénység, kedvesség, jóindulat,
együttérzés, nagylelkűség, őszinteség, részvét és hűség."
Az unoka egy percig gondolkodott, és akkor azt kérdezte a nagyapjától,
"Melyik farkas győz?"
Az öreg cseroki válasza egyszerű volt, „Az, amelyiket táplálod."